Sunday, December 14, 2008

The fat Year

As I mentioned in a previous post I struggle with many demons. One that I am currently and always have struggled with is my weight. I am currently at my highest weight, not pregnant and not 6 weeks post partum! It is pretty miserable to be in this state. All my life I have struggled with food and my weight. Once I got to adulthood I hovered around 150 but always trying to get lower, now I would LOVE to be there.

After my oldest was born I tried to lose the baby weight but around 9 mos of age I re-joined Weight Watchers and it clicked I lost about 40lbs, bringing me to around 130, the thinnest I had ever been in my adult life, I felt great, I was fit and strong and running long distances, but still struggling with food. I was either completely on, eating really well or completely off, eating with abandon! Still I was successful, I had acheived my goal, I was thin.

Then I became prgenant with my middle child, and watch out, I totally ballooned gaining 70 lbs. But when he was 5 weeks old I went back to WW and again acheived fairly good success, I didn't get as low as I had before, but I felt good. Then the weight started creeping back up, I started struggling and that's when I became unexpectedly pregnant with my 3rd child. Again I ballooned. I went back to WW after he was born, and lost some weight, but never got back into the "groove" and have since pretty much gained most of that weight back, oy. It's a vicious cycle, you feel bad about yourself for being heavy and you eat, then you become more heavy, feel miserable and eat... and so on, a very vicous and hard cycle to break.

I have been trying to figure out what it was that clicked to acheive my weight loss goals before, what was different that enabled me the motivation to lose the weight. If you know, please fill me in. If I figure it out I'm writing a book!! Ha. I recently joined the gym and I have always enjoyed exercise once I get there and am doing it. But sinceThanksgiving either I have, or my family has been sick, leaving me eating through the holidays! I swear I've gained 10lbs in 2 days, just from Christmas cookies.

But I'm ready, I'm ready to get back on that wagon, get motivated and start getting rid of this junk in my trunk (and everywhere else). Me and Oprah, come January are gettin healthy!! When I recently heard that Oprah was again struggling with her weight, even after going back and forth, I felt better about me. I felt, dang it, I'm not alone, even Oprah with all the money in the world, chefs and personal trainers struggles! Yes I know I could start this journey now, but really why? Why sabotage myself during the holidays. I am being realistic, knowing that if I try now I will just feel worse because I didn't succeed. And besides I feel I am setting a goal to begin my journey. I feel that by writing this I will have to be more accountable, but don't come knocking on my door with your scale, I can handle it myself!!

Recently, my sister and I were talking about our struggles with weight, now keep in mind she is much smaller than me, but none the less weighs more than she has or would like. Anyway she said she is going to look back on this year and say "Yep that was my fat year" "2008, the fat year" I think I agree, I think and hope that's how I will look back on this year as well.

And who knows maybe, just maybe if I start taking better care of me, I can take better care of my kids, remedying the other demons I face!! ;)

Here are my backwards before and after pics: (yes I am going WAY outside my comfort zone by even talking about this, much less posting pictures)



Robyn said...

I admire your stepping out of your comfort zone to post this. I'll be joining you come January! And you're right, no sense starting something you know you can't succeed at this time of year! I waited until Jan. of '08 and lost about 25 lbs once I started. I've been "holding" for awhile now and will be back on come Jan. '09! ;-)

ewheatley said...

I am right there w/ you. I am at my heaviset since I gave birth also. What gym did you join?